


A Weak Guardian

by electricdino



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Gen, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-12
Updated: 2012-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-16 00:16:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2248842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electricdino/pseuds/electricdino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The year was 2009, the first time Joonmyun put a blade to his skin for a purpose other than shaving.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Weak Guardian

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Self Harm
> 
> \---
> 
> This fic... was incredibly hard to write. Hit a little too close to home but... it had to be written. The plot bunny had me and it wouldn't have left me alone until I had completed it.
> 
> Thankfully it turned out not to be as angsty as I had originally planned but... yeah.
> 
> It turned out a lot longer than I had originally planned as well.
> 
> Darn Suho for giving me all these feels.
> 
> Suho is actually one of my biases from EXO-K and one of my ultimate biases, but he was the one who brought on this plot bunny. It wouldn't have worked with anyone else.
> 
> I really hope you enjoy it.

> (cross-posted to [aff](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/253546/a-weak-guardian-exo-suho) and [livejournal](http://electricdino.livejournal.com/10106.html))

The year was 2009 the first time Joonmyun put a blade to his skin for a purpose other than shaving.

It had been three years since he had started training with SM Entertainment. Three long years of hard work, exhaustion and strict rules. Three years of struggling through harsh training with no sign of a debut in sight. Three years of watching his friends, his hyungs, his dongsengs, his sunbaes, his hoobaes, all debuting while he was still struggling just to prove himself worthy of even being there.

"Don't worry, Joonmyun." They said, "You'll debut in no time. It can't be far off, right?"

But here he was, one of the few trainees left from the group that started the same year as him. And the last one of his group of 'friends'. Kyuhyun-hyung had debuted shortly after Joonmyun had started training. Jonghyun, Minho and Jinki-hyung had all debuted the previous year and now the girls had debuted as f(x)... he was alone.

Sure he could still contact the others when he needed to talk, but the times of them immediately replying or meeting up with him straight away were gone. Now it was sometimes hours if not days before he got a reply. And he was starting to feel lonely.

He had no one to turn to any more when the stress and pain from training became too much. He had no one to talk to when he needed encouragement, to help him believe that no, he did deserve to be there, that he was talented enough.

He was alone.

And when he was alone that was when he broke completely.

He had always tried to keep the darkness at bay in his heart. All his fears and insecurities... it had turned to self-loathing and desperation many a time. But he had always managed to keep a hold on himself thanks to having his friends around him. They were all going through the same thing, so they had banded together and kept each other strong.

But his strength was gone now. He had to battle alone, and Joonmyun found that he just wasn't strong enough without someone by his side, holding his hand, supporting him.

His doubts had started to take up a permanent residence within his mind. Would he ever debut? Or would he remain a trainee for the rest of his life?

Singing and performing were the only things he had ever wanted to do. It was what he was best at, and his family had been surprisingly supportive of him with his dreams. They weren't sure if he could do it, and it may be a waste of time, but they still let him audition and become a trainee.

Only once he had actually started as a trainee did he realise just how much he paled in comparison to everyone else.

He was not a dancer, by any means. He could move but he had never been able to call himself a dancer. And that had been evident when he had first arrived and was automatically put into the bottom dance class and had stayed there for two years until he finally improved enough to move up a rank. He doubted he would make it up any higher though. Dance was just not his strong point and he would rather stay in the low average group than try to achieve the impossible and move up any higher.

Singing was what he was good at and he was first put into class 3 (low average) before quickly moving up into class 2 (high average). His vocals were not impressive though. There were others within the company that could sing circles around him. Like Jonghyun and Jinki-hyung. Every time those two had opened their mouths to sing, Joonmyun's throat would tighten and he would feel so insignificant compared to them. So yes, even though singing was his biggest strength, he was still in no way 'talented' at it.

There wasn't even any point in him attempting to rap. He was a singer, not a rapper. In no way would he ever be able to pass himself off as a rapper. Rapping was Minho's domain. The slightly younger boy was incredibly talented at rapping, and had quickly worked his way up into class 1. Joonmyun was and would forever be stuck down in the bottom class, class 4.

He was okay when it came to acting. But acting wasn't SM Entertainment's priority so if he had wanted to improve on those skills then he had to either wait until he debuted and those classes would become open for him to take part in or he had to seek outside classes. Outside classes that cost money... money that he didn't have as a trainee. So that avenue was pretty much closed.

And then there was the real reason he had been accepted into SM despite his average skills... his face. Joonmyun may not be dashingly handsome like Jonghyun-hyung or cute as a button like little Taemin, but Joonmyun was definitely classed as good looking. He was good looking enough for the company to accept him and start training him anyway.

He had always been complimented on how he looked when he was at home and in school. But here, within the company walls, he found that he was merely average. He was surrounded by gorgeous girls, handsome boys, and those young ones who would forever be adorably cute. He was one of the unlucky ones, that though good-looking, would never be the 'face' of a group.

He was merely average, in every sense of the word. And being an average trainee got you nowhere. Otherwise he would have debuted already with one of his friends.

Kyuhyun-hyung was frequently telling him not to give up hope. That what happened to him was a fluke. Training for merely a year before debuting. But Joonmyun knew differently. Kyuhyun was talented. Incredibly talented when it came to singing. He couldn't dance at all, (he was even worse than Joonmyun was) but his vocals more than made up for that. And he was one of those dashingly handsome guys that could woo a girl by merely looking at her.

Joonmyun was average. And chances of him debuting any time soon were slim.

And to make matters even worse... the whispers about him had started. The younger and newer trainees had picked up on how he was merely average and now that he was one of the few left from his batch, the whispers had turned nasty, saying that he was only there as a filler. He would never make it into a group as he was only there to boost numbers, and then he only made it because of his 'pretty face'.

Joonmyun had heard these whispers increase in frequency once f(x) had debuted, and though the culprits openly did it in front of him, he said nothing. He was not the sort of person to confront others when it came to rumours and slander about himself. No, he was the sort to keep silent and 'take the moral high-ground'. It was only when people he cared about were being talked about that he reacted.

But hearing the cruel whispers so often was starting to affect him. Especially coupled with his own dark thoughts. It created a nasty cocktail of self-hatred and doubt that ate up at him completely. He would never get to debut. He was wasting his life. He would never make it. He wasn't good enough. He would never be good enough. He was a failure. He was a disappointment.

Before, whenever his thoughts took this sort of turn he would seek out the comfort of Kyuhyun-hyung or Jonghyun-hyung. Even Minho would listen if he needed him to. But now he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to pick up the phone and call one of them. They would likely be on a schedule, too busy to even glance at their phones. Or if they were schedule-free then they were taking advantage of a few moments of rest. Who was Joonmyun to disrupt them from that? That would be unfair to them. They needed as much rest as they could get.

No, he had to handle it alone now. And he was failing. He felt like he could burst into tears and break-down at any moment. He was so tightly wound up, so highly strung that he was getting almost desperate in everything he did.

And if that wasn't proof enough of just how weak he was then what he had resorted doing to himself was.

It was all too much for him to handle, the pressure had built within him to levels that were way too high. He was going to burst if he didn't do something to help ease the tension and pain within himself. And he couldn't talk to anyone. His friends were busy, and they needed their rest. He wasn't close enough to the other trainees to seek out help from any of them. His parents and family wouldn't understand. What could he do?

Somehow he found himself in the bathroom, calmly going about his daily routine of washing, cleaning his teeth and shaving whilst his eyes were full of turmoil and kept flitting about the room. He had lost concentration, hand slipping and the razor he had been using to shave with had started falling to the floor. Without thinking twice, his hand had darted out and caught the razor but not without slicing the palm of his hand.

He had immediately hissed in pain at the sudden scratch, dropping the razor into the sink and cradling his hand to his chest. Blinking at his reflection for a few moments he looked down at his sliced palm. Seeing the wound, a sudden intense calm washed over him and he felt a little of the pent up emotion leave his body. Frowning slightly he clenched the hand, watching as more blood slid down his skin and into the sink. The more he watched the blood, the more light his heart felt. His pain was being lifted, he didn't feel like he was going to burst any more.

Eyes glued to his hand in fascination, he opened up his palm and stared at the wound again before laughing almost breathlessly. It helped. The cut, the blood... it helped to ease his burden. Deep down he knew that it wasn't healthy, it wasn't right, but right then Joonmyun didn't care. He had found something to help him that didn't revolve around him relying on his friends.

He had to be careful though. No-one could know about this, this new method of coping. And he couldn't risk leaving any visible marks. The chances of him debuting were slim enough already. He didn't want to ruin them completely by leaving visible scars. That meant wrists and the upper half of his body were out of the question. Any cuts there would be too noticeable, too obvious. Which left the lower half... His thighs, his upper legs... perfect spot. He would never wear shorts higher than his knees anyway, and no-one would ever see the cuts or scars if they were there on his body. He could hide them easily.

Looking back up into the mirror, he smiled... for the first time in months he had smiled a proper light-hearted smile. He quickly fixed up his hand, humming almost happily as he did so, before he finished shaving and left the bathroom. He wouldn't have to do anything today. The accidental cut on his palm had helped more than enough.

The next day though he had a rough day at the company building. His training sessions had been extra hard and by lunch time he was struggling to keep a hold of himself. He had been scolded in front of some younger trainees and the smug look on some of their faces had hit him to the core. It wasn't fair. He had hit a bad note during vocal class and his teacher had ended up almost screaming at him, asking him if he wanted to drop back down a class. Maybe he wasn't cut out for class 2 at all and that moving him up had been a mistake.

He had almost broken down there on the spot. But he didn't. He took it all calmly, head bowed as he apologised over and over again.

The final straw though was when he went to a practice room for his private training and practice time only to find that they had cancelled his session in favour of letting one of the newer, more talented, trainees use the time. He should have said something, he should have stood his ground, but he didn't. He had just calmly accepted it before leaving and returning home. Returning to the bathroom. Returning to his razor blades.

He hadn't even hesitated when locking the door, he knew exactly what he was doing. He needed the help, the relief. He had quickly picked up one of his blades before pushing his jeans down to his knees and sitting himself onto the closed toilet seat. He stared at the blade in his hands for a few moments before calmly placing it against his upper thigh, and after a deep breath he pressed down and slowly dragged the blade across his skin.

The effect was immediate. All the tension he had built up in him, all the frustration and pain flowed out of him as blood started to trickle out of the cut. A small smile quirked onto his lips before he placed the blade back down and made another cut. Sighing in relief, he closed his eyes, savouring the feeling. That was enough. He didn't need to do any more today. He felt completely free and light from all burdens.

He continued to sit there, a blissful smile on his face and his eyes closed for a few minutes before sighing. He had better take care of the wounds now before he bled too much and became dizzy. Dropping the blade into the sink so he could wash it off, he grabbed hold of his first aid kit and got to work. Carefully cleaning the cuts of excess blood, before pressing an old wash cloth to his leg applying pressure.

He may have started cutting his own skin to help relieve him of pressure, but he wasn't stupid enough not to take care of the wounds afterwards.

Once he felt that the wounds had stopped bleeding enough, he quickly found some large band-aids and used them. He couldn't really use actual bandages and dressings. Those would be too awkward to move and dance with. But he had used enough pressure on his cuts to make sure they wouldn't bleed too much so the band-aids would be fine.

Those first initial cuts were enough to last him about a week, he hadn't needed to return to the bathroom for his blades that whole time. Only after those seven days had passed did the pressure build again, and Joonmyun soon found himself slicing his skin open once more, this time on the opposite leg. Again he had patched himself up afterwards, once he felt that he had done enough.

This behaviour of his continued until he became reliant on the blades. It was a vicious circle in many ways. The relief from the cuts would only last so long before everything built up again and he found himself with the blade in his hand again.

Things at the company hadn't really changed overly much since he started cutting. The only difference was that he was one of the older trainees now and it was falling onto him to look after the younger ones.

For so long he had been one of the younger ones, a dongseng, a hoobae... but now he suddenly found himself in the position of a hyung and sunbae, and he wasn't really sure what to do. He barely had control over himself, how was he meant to look after the younger kids? At least he knew one thing he could give them that he hadn't had himself... someone they could always turn to for help. He wasn't likely going to be debuting any time soon so he would always have time for a dongseng and hoobae.

He especially paid close attention to the foreign trainees... those kids who had come from another country and were now in a place where they didn't know anyone, barely knew Korean, and who desperately needed a friend and someone to look after them.

The first foreign trainee Joonmyun befriended was Wufan. Though the kid was almost twice his height, the lost look in his eyes was enough to make the shorter boy want to take him under his wing and protect him from harm, even if the other was older than him. If training there was hard enough for him, he knew it must be even worse for Wufan.

He recognised the empty stare, for he had had that very look on his face so many times in the past. His friends had helped to pull him out of it, but the Chinese-Canadian was currently alone. He didn't have anyone to fall back on. So even though the taller boy's Korean was very, very limited, Joonmyun spoke to him and looked after him. He gave him a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on... he became one of Wufan's pillars of strength.

It was nice to have someone to talk to again, even if it was only to help the other boy out. Joonmyun didn't feel as alone any more. He was still struggling under his own pressures and he was still cutting. But he did find that he didn't really need to do so as often. Which gave his thighs and skin time to heal before he needed to ease his own pain again.

Yixing was the next trainee that he took under his wing. Again it had been the lost look on his face that led Joonmyun into approaching him and introducing himself. Though he didn't need as much help as what Wufan had needed, Yixing still clung to Joonmyun when he needed to. The shorter boy was being another pillar of strength for someone, and it felt good. Even if he didn't get to debut himself, he was still helping the other trainees find themselves, helping them through this process.

He, Wufan and Yixing had started eating lunch together and would often hang out after their classes had ended for the day. Though most of that was spent with textbooks under their noses as they still had to keep up with normal school work. (Joonmyun was always one of the top few in his class). He made sure to help his new friends if they needed it, and kept on top of them with their grades. No way was he about to let them fail. If they were going to make it as an idol, they had to prove that they had the brains as well as the talent for it. So Joonmyun made sure that they all studied. And it worked. The other two's grades were above average and they were happy.

That did give him more pressure to contend with though. And there was many a time when he thought that he was hindering the two Chinese trainees rather than helping them. Even when Wufan and Yixing told him themselves that he was helping them so much, he couldn't really believe that he was doing something right.

It took a conversation with Kyuhyun-hyung for him to gain a little more confidence. Jonghyun-hyung was meant to have joined them too, but a sudden change in SHINee's schedules meant that he couldn't make it. So instead only he and Kyuhyun met up and had gone out to eat, the elder wanting to treat one of his favourite dongsengs now that he had enough money. Wufan, Yixing and all the other Chinese trainees had private training that day.

Kyuhyun and Joonmyun had been idly catching up, talking about various things. It was shortly after they had actually started eating that Kyuhyun had started to talk about the younger's new friends.

"I've seen the way you are with those Chinese trainees."

Blinking over at his hyung, Joonmyun tilted his head to the side in confusion. "What? Wufan and Yixing?"

"Yeah." Kyuhyun nodded. "You're really good with them. I can tell you've been a good sunbae to them. They really look up to you."

A faint blush appeared on the shorter vocalist's face before he dropped his gaze to his food as he shrugged. "I know how hard it is as a trainee. I've been one longer than them so, it only felt right to help them out. I don't think I'm doing a good job though since they haven't debuted either yet."

"Are you kidding? Joonmyun... you should hear what the company reps have started saying about you. They are impressed, 'Myun."

"Really?" Raising his head to look at his hyung, Joonmyun swallowed. Not daring to believe Kyuhyun's words.

"Yeah." The other nodded again. "They've started taking notice of you, 'Myun. And about time too."

Joonmyun bit his lip as he tried to fight a smile, before a tonne of worries suddenly dominated his mind. The reps were paying attention to him now. That meant he couldn't afford to make any more mistakes. He had to be perfect. But how could he be perfect when he was nothing more than average?

Silence descended over them as they both continued to eat, as Joonmyun tried not to fret and lose his head over this new added stress. He could feel the pressure starting to build in him again and he swallowed hard, trying to keep everything at bay.

Placing his cutlery back onto the empty plate, Kyuhyun broke the silence.

"You're going to be a leader. When you debut." He nodded. "You'll be placed into a group and you'll be the leader."

Looking up sharply at his hyung, Joonmyun couldn't help but gape slightly. "What?"

Kyuhyun smirked, chuckling softly. "You were born to be a leader, 'Myun. You have that special leadership quality about you. That same quality that's in Jungsu-hyung."

"You really think so, hyung?"

Another smirk. "I don't think, I know."

Joonmyun bit his bottom lip again before smiling up at Kyuhyun. "Thanks hyung."

He didn't think that Kyuhyun was right. He would be a terrible leader. Wufan and Yixing were a fluke. He wouldn't be able to look after a whole group. He could still barely look after himself. The amount of times he still broke down were evidence of that. But he did have a little more confidence now... knowing that Kyuhyun believed in him, believed that he would debut soon.

He had to have been doing something right for his hyung to be believing in him.

It was shortly after that they Joonmyun found himself all but adopting one of the youngest trainees. His name was Sehun. The older had found the boy sat in a stairwell, tears pouring from his eyes. Without even hesitating, Joonmyun had sat himself down next to the boy, pulling him close and trying to calm him down. He eventually found out that the boy had been pushed over deliberately during his dance class. The teacher hadn't seen it though and Sehun had ended up taking the blame for it, almost being demoted a class.

Joonmyun's heart had broke hearing the boy's story and he immediately hugged him close, reassuring him that he wasn't alone, and that he could go to the older boy for help whenever and for whatever. He recognised the fear, the pain and the stress in Sehun's body and he knew that he needed help. He assured Sehun that if anything like that happened again then he was to tell Joonmyun who would then talk to his teacher calmly and explain the situation. Even if that meant that he himself would be punished, he didn't care. He could handle the consequences. He had his own coping methods after all.

He didn't have to resort to cutting as much though. With the addition of Sehun into his life, Joonmyun found that he didn't feel like he had to cut that often any more. Once a month, if that. He was focused so much on the young boy, Wufan and Yixing that he didn't have time to even focus on his own faults and problems. He knew they would catch up with him again but for now he had a distraction.

By this time Joonmyun had finally managed to work himself up into class 1 for vocals. The top class. It had been a lot of hard work, and it took a lot of hard work to keep himself in that class but somehow... despite being nothing more than average, he had made it. True he was in one of the lowest positions of the class but he was still in class one. His years of training didn't feel like as much of a waste now. At least he had managed to make a top class even if he didn't debut.

It was a few months after he moved up into the top class, around a year after he first started cutting, that the newest batch of trainees joined them. Surprisingly one of them joined his vocal class after a mere week of training. His name was Kyungsoo and he looked almost permanently startled. It was endearing really and it made the boy look so young and innocent. It didn't take long before Joonmyun found himself with another dongseng under his wing.

Kyungsoo was different though. Even though he was younger than Joonmyun, there were times when he acted like a hyung to him... almost mother-like at times. And the older trainee found himself no longer needing to cut at all. Any time he was wound up, in need of release, Kyungsoo would take him to one side, sit him down and stare at him until the older boy spilled out what was on his mind. He never told about his blades though, about how he had used to cut open his skin just to feel some relief from everything. No, that was a secret he would never tell anyone.

And the blades were still there, in his bathroom cabinet. Ready for when he would need them again. But for now, he had Kyungsoo. And Kyungsoo helped.

Joonmyun didn't want to think about what would happen once the other boy debuted.

He continued to be a caring hyung and sunbae to all the other trainees, often being pulled aside by trainees that he hadn't spoken to that often, just so they could talk to him about their worries and fears. He had become known as a hyung who cared, a hyung who would listen, a hyung who would help. He was fairly well known within the company now. True it wasn't due to his talent, or lack thereof, but it was because he was kind, caring and someone that all the new and younger trainees looked up to.

And this led to even more pressure building within him. But he didn't go back to his blades. He didn't need to. Kyungsoo just talked to him more, let him cling to him more, let him bury his head on his shoulder more. He didn't cry though. Joonmyun never cried in front of people any more. He rarely cried at all. He had to be strong now. He had dongsengs and hoobaes to look after.

The more dongsengs that sought him out for comfort though, the more the company representatives paid attention to him. Not a practice went by when there wasn't one in the room silently observing his every move. It was making him a little paranoid. He was nothing special, he was just trying to be there for the other trainees so they wouldn't struggle like he did.

It was after a long and tiring vocal practice that the representative, who had been watching whilst leant against the wall, had approached him, telling him that some of the higher-ups within the company wanted to talk to him. Hearing this his face had gone white and his breath had caught in his throat but he had still nodded and bowed his head politely in understanding. Kyungsoo had gripped his hand in luck, giving him a reassuring nod before leaving the room, leaving just Joonmyun and the representative.

The taller man nodded to him before indicating for Joonmyun to follow, which he did, through the building and into one of the offices, where he was asked to take a seat. The room was empty save for him and the other man, but nothing was being said. Joonmyun assumed that they were waiting for someone else to arrive.

This was proven correct when a few minutes later the door opened and more company representatives entered the room. Joonmyun stood and bowed politely to each of them before being told to take his seat again. He started to look around at everyone else nervously, trying not to start fidgeting before the man in front of him, who looked the most official, started speaking.

"So, Joonmyun-ssi, how are you?"

Trying to get his breathing under control, he gave the man his usual gentle smile before replying. "I'm fine, sir, thank you for asking. How are you today?"

"Fine, fine." The man chuckled, waving a hand dismissively. "Such a well-mannered boy you are."

Blushing slightly, Joonmyun bit his bottom lip before bowing his head in gratitude. "Thank you, sir."

"Let's get down to business, shall we?" The man smiled reassuringly. Joonmyun vaguely noticed that another one of the men in the room was writing down notes of the meeting. Was this conversation that important? "I'll put it to you straight, Joonmyun-ssi. We are currently working on putting together a new male idol group. After our success with f(x) we feel it's about time that we debuted a new group. We've been paying special attention to you Joonmyun-ssi. You've been in the company for four years now, and all the other trainees look up to you with respect."

Another blush appeared on Joonmyun's face as he bowed his head in gratitude once again. But before he could say anything, the company representative continued.

"Would you be interested in joining our new idol group?"

Joonmyun blinked for a few moments whilst the question sunk in. Did they just ask him if he wanted to debut? Since when did they ask? Usually they just decided for you, since your career was put into their hands as soon as you joined the company (unless you left or transferred to another company before debut). They never asked you if you wanted to join a group and debut. It just happened. So what was going on? "Sir, I don't think I understand?"

The other man laughed in amusement before smiling somewhat warmly at him. "We are asking if you would like to debut in our new group, Joonmyun-ssi."

So they were asking him. Why, he wasn't so sure... It didn't make sense for them to ask him. His immediate answer would be yes, but he hesitated with answering. Thinking about it, did he really deserve to debut yet? True he had been in the company for a while now, and if he didn't debut soon, then he might not debut at all. But that didn't necessarily mean that he deserved to debut.

There were other trainees who were a lot more talented than him who deserved to debut first. The faces of Wufan, Yixing, Sehun and Kyungsoo floated in his mind. Kyungsoo's image being the strongest. The younger boy's vocals were some of the best within the company. It would be so incredibly wrong for Joonmyun to debut when his friend was so much more talented, so much more deserving of officially starting his career.

No, it wouldn't be fair for him to debut over more talented and more deserving trainees. If this was his only shot at debuting then so be it, but at least he would stay within the company until his initial contract ran out, that way he could be there to look after and support all the other trainees until they were able to debut themselves. He would be fine. He could cope.

Looking up into the eyes of the representative before him, he took a deep breath before answering. "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline your offer."

A confused head tilt answered him. "How come?"

"Well..." Joonmyun glanced down at his hands which he had clasped together as he took in another breath before continuing. "There are other trainees within the company who are much more talented and much more deserving of the position than I am. I would rather one of them get to debut than me."

The representative leaned forward, putting his elbows on to the table in front of him and pressing his fingers together, a strange glint in his eye. "So you don't think you are ready to debut?"

"It's not that I don't think I'm ready to debut, sir," Joonmyun said, moistening his lips. "It's more the fact that there are other trainees who deserve it more than I do."

"I see. What if this is your only chance to debut with our company?"

"My answer is still the same, sir."

The representative smiled at him (confusing Joonmyun, didn't he just turn down his offer to debut?) before nodding and standing. "Very well. We thank you for your time, Joonmyun-ssi. Keep up the good work."

"Thank you, sir." Joonmyun replied as he too stood and bowed politely towards the other man, and bowing to the rest of the people in the room. "Good luck with the new idol group."

A smile was the only reply he got before he was ushered out of the room and he was free to leave.

Joonmyun may have just made the biggest mistake in his life but he didn't regret it for one moment. Not when Kyungsoo and the others might have a chance at debuting and reaching their dreams. It would be worth it in the end. He would be okay, no matter what happened, he would be okay.

He felt the decision he had just made was the right one. Other people might not think so, but it was the right decision for him.

That meeting occurred in the later months of 2010.

He hadn't heard anything about the new group being formed in the following few months. Christmas and New Year passed by and still no more mention of the company's plans. It was only once they reached mid-January that something started to happen. One of the younger trainees, Jongin, who was known for his incredible dance skills, had been called into the office. He was the first trainee to become a member of EXO (which was the name of the group the company were planning to debut).

A Chinese trainee was the next to be called in. His name was Luhan. He spoke Korean almost fluently which worked in his favour, and he was in Joonmyun's vocal class. The boy had a voice of an angel, and looks to match. Perfect choice.

Next was a tall rapper called Chanyeol. His voice and his face did not match at all, but it worked for him. He seemed to be incredibly happy all of the time too.

Then Yixing was called in. Yixing who had covered for Jonghyun-hyung when he was injured during the SHINee World Concert Tour. He was finally going to debut. And Joonmyun couldn't have been prouder.

That was until Sehun got called into the office. Little Sehun who had been pushed over deliberately during a dance class. Little Sehun who clung onto Joonmyun's shirt whenever he was worried about something. Little Sehun who wasn't so little any more. He was getting to debut. Yes, Joonmyun's decision to turn down the company's offer was the right choice.

A trainee called Minseok was next. The boy was short, just a little shorter than Joonmyun was, but he was older. And had a face that looked so young and innocent. He had just worked his way up into his vocal class.

Wufan was called next, and Joonmyun's joy was so big. Though he worried for Kyungsoo. The other boy should have been called by now, but they hadn't heard a whisper of his name yet. Kyungsoo took it all with his usual wide eyed smile which Joonmyun couldn't help but return.

He desperately wanted his last close friend to debut though. If Kyungsoo debuted with EXO, then Joonmyun's sacrifice of his own career would be completely justified and worth-while.

He didn't have to worry for long, for Kyungsoo was the next name to be called. And Joonmyun felt that his job was done. He had guaranteed all of his friends the chance to debut. They were going to achieve their dreams. They were going to be idols. And Joonmyun could not be happier for them.

That was when the questions started. Why hadn't Joonmyun been called yet? He was one of the longest running trainees left, why wasn't he debuting with the new group? The whispers started up as well, but this time there were many a voice hushing them, telling them to be quiet, that the company were just making a mistake. But Joonmyun knew the truth. He knew why he hadn't been called for the new group, and he was completely fine with it. He was happy with his decision.

The urge to cut didn't hit him once.

He knew once Kyungsoo was gone he would revert back to his blades. But for now, he didn't need them. He was happy with his choices. He could cope.

Finally another Chinese trainee was called in, Zitao. The poor kid looked terrified but Wufan reassured him and even waited outside for the meeting to finish. It warmed Joonmyun's heart to see Wufan caring so much about the younger trainee. It seemed the first hoobae he had looked over was now returning the favour onto others.

The member count was at 9, matching that of SNSD, SM's most popular female idol group. And this was the number rumoured for EXO to have. It had worked well for the girl group so it would work well for their new male group too.

Only the company apparently had other plans as Joonmyun was called into the office again, much to his confusion. Hadn't he turned down their offer to debut? Was he being asked to leave the company or something? He hadn't expected that. Sure, he wouldn't get to debut under their company, but he had expected them to at least keep him as a trainee until his contract ran out. They couldn't be getting rid of him, could they?

As he sat down in the chair again, after bowing politely to all of the company representatives again, he swallowed nervously. The same representative as last time was opposite him once again with a warm smile on his face. "Nice to see you again, Joonmyun-ssi. How are you today?"

Why was he being so polite to him? Weren't they here to ask him to leave the company?

Swallowing thickly, Joonmyun replied, bowing his head politely. "I'm fine, thank you sir. And how are you?"

The smile on the man's face grew as he laughed lightly. "So polite... I am fine, thank you Joonmyun-ssi. We are all fine. Actually we are here with some good news."

Good news... well that could mean anything. They could be transferring him to a new company, that would be good news, right? Though he wouldn't really fit in anywhere other than SM Entertainment...

"Good news, sir?"

"Yes, good news." The representative smiled widely at this before nodding and glancing down at the sheet of paper on the table in front of him. Joonmyun resisted doing the same and instead kept his eyes trained on the man. "You are going to debut, Joonmyun-ssi. You are to be a member of EXO. And not only that. You are to be their leader."

Joonmyun's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. He was going to debut? In EXO? He was finally going to debut? But hadn't he turned down this very opportunity before? What was going on? "I'm... I'm going to debut?"

"Yes."

He blinked a few times before the next bit of info hit him. Not only was he debuting... he was going to be the leader. Despite some of the other members being older than he was, he was going to be the leader of EXO... "I'm going to be the leader?"

The representative laughed in amusement. "Yes."

And with that one word, the sudden rush of responsibility and pressure hit him. He was going to be in charge of nine other people. He was going to be in charge of a group. The groups success was to rest on his shoulders. And for the first time in months, Joonmyun felt the need to reach for his blades. But he was still stuck in this office and the meeting wasn't over yet.

"I... I don't understand. Sir, I thought since I turned it down last time that I wouldn't get to debut."

Another laugh. "We were actually very impressed with the results from our last meeting, Joonmyun-ssi. You showed that you were willing to sacrifice yourself and your dreams for those of others. You are the perfect candidate for the spot, and for the leader position." A smile. "Only this time it's non-negotiable."

Joonmyun bit his bottom lip but he nodded his head in gratitude none-the-less. "Okay. Thank you, sir."

"And one other thing. You are going to have a nickname, Suho. Seems fitting doesn't it? 'Guardian'. As a leader you will watch over and guide the other members, you will protect them. You will be their guardian. But not only that, you will be a guardian for the fans too. You will guard and protect their hearts." Another laugh. "It may be cheesy but it gives you another identity within the group."

A nickname... Suho... he hated it already. If the leader position wasn't pressure enough, now he had to be everyone's guardian.

He felt like he was going to be sick.

Instead though, he bowed his head politely. "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

"Good." The representative nodded his head, before pushing the sheet of paper on the desk towards Joonmyun and turned it around, placing a pen in front of the new leader. "Now, you just need to sign your new contract."

Nodding his head shakily, Joonmyun picked up the pen and quickly signed where indicated. He had no choice, he knew that when he first joined SM Entertainment that he would have no choice when it came to which group he was in. The only choice he did have was staying with SM or transferring to another company, and that was all done with the help of SM. No other company would have had him though, SM was the only one for him. So he had no choice. He was now Suho, the leader and guardian of EXO.

He felt like he could cry.

The pressure was already becoming too much. He needed a release.

He was handed his new training schedule (he would be training with the rest of the members from now on) before the representative clapped him on the back. "Congratulations, Suho-ssi. Lead EXO well."

Standing up, he bowed in gratitude. "Thank you, sir. I will."

Once again he bowed to the other people in the room. A smile that he knew was fake but everyone else believed to be real on his face. He should be happy with what was happening. He was going to finally debut, and yes that was a good thing. But he was also the leader... a leader of a large group. It was going to be hard. Not only on him but on the other members too. And it was up to him to make sure that the group was successful. He felt like there was suddenly a humongous heavy load on his back and he was surprised that when he stood back up he wasn't hunched over.

He had quickly fled the room only to run into Kyungsoo. He had heard about the meeting. He had come to support his hyung. He had come to make sure that Joonmyun was okay. And he wasn't. He wasn't okay. He all but fell into the younger boy's arms, burying his face into Kyungsoo's neck as he let out a shuddering breath.

"Hyung... what happened?" Kyungsoo asked quietly, rubbing soothing circles into Joonmyun's back. At least one good thing would come from his new position... he wouldn't lose Kyungsoo.

"I..." He swallowed. "I'm going to be your leader. The leader of EXO."

"What? You're in EXO too?" Kyungsoo asked, happiness and disbelief mixing in his voice.

"Yeah. I'm the leader." He sighed as he pulled away, finally looking into Kyungsoo's wide excited eyes.

"That's fantastic, hyung! You finally get to debut!" The younger beamed.

Joonmyun let out a sigh as he ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah."

Kyungsoo's expression fell slightly as he looked at the older boy in concern. "Hyung... what's wrong?"

"I... I don't think I can do it."

"Do what?"

"Be a leader. Be your leader. Be the leader of EXO. It's too much. I'm not cut out to be a leader at all, 'Soo. How am I meant to be something I'm not... how am I meant to be a leader, especially for a group so big. The pressure's too much. I don't think I can do it." Joonmyun's hands started to shake as the enormity of what led in front of him finally sunk in.

He was debuting, yes, but at a price.

Kyungsoo reached forward and took hold of his hands, giving them a reassuring squeeze. "You won't be alone, hyung. I'll be there as well, I'll help you."

Joonmyun smiled almost sadly at the younger boy. "You don't understand. You are all my responsibility now. Your hopes, your dreams... they're in my hands. It's up to me to make sure the group is successful. I can't handle that, 'Soo. I can't... I'm going to fail you all, and... I can't bear to do that to you all. You deserve so much better. A leader who can actually lead you to success... not failure."

"You won't lead us to failure, hyung. You won't." Kyungsoo smiled at him. "I believe in you."

Unable to stop himself, Joonmyun wrapped his arms around the younger vocalist tightly, burying his head in his neck once again. Kyungsoo, poor innocent Kyungsoo. His belief was misplaced. He shouldn't believe in his new leader, for he was only bound to let him and all the others down. Their dreams were going to be destroyed because of him and his inability to be a good leader.

He wanted to cry.

But he didn't.

He just clung tighter to his friend, whispering apologies for what was bound to happen in the future.

That night, when he was back home in the safety of his bathroom, Joonmyun found his razor's once again.

He sought out the comfort and relief he hadn't felt in almost a year. It was the only thing that would help.

And as their new training schedules began, Joonmyun found he needed to return to his blades more and more frequently. The pressure was too much for him. Having nine hopeful faces shining up at him every day... four of which from people he had grown close to already. They all relied on him and he was doing nothing but failing them.

He was not cut out to be a leader.

Their debut date was fast approaching and they weren't ready. They weren't ready at all. And Joonmyun had ended up returning to his blades every night. He couldn't handle it. But he couldn't let them see how broken he was. He couldn't let the members see that he was weak. He had to be strong for them. They believed in him. And though he was going to fail them in the end, he still wanted to be a strong person for them.

He almost became two different people. There was Suho, the strong leader of EXO. The one who everyone turned to and sought out for help and advice. The one with the smile. Then there was Joonmyun. The one who was weak. The one who was a complete mess. The one who needed to, but still couldn't, cry. The one who was the reason they were going to fail.

Some of the pressure was relieved when they were all suddenly called into an emergency meeting. Two new members would be joining them within the week, new trainees, Jongdae and Baekhyun. Both had powerful voices, or so they were told. This originally gave Joonmyun more panic until the company representatives went on to explain that they had a new and different idea for the group.

They were going to be split into two 6-member groups instead of one 12-member group. One group, EXO-K would be singing in Korean, the other EXO-M in Chinese. Wufan, or Kris as he was now known, would be the leader of EXO-M, with Minseok (Now Xiumin), Luhan, Yixing (Now Lay), and Zitao (Now Tao) with him, as well as Jongdae (who they were told would be M's second and final Korean member and would be known as Chen). EXO-K would consist of Suho, Chanyeol, Kyungsoo (Who was to be known as D.O), Jongin (Now Kai), and Sehun. They would also be gaining Baekhyun as their sixth member. Joonmyun would be the leader of EXO-K, though he would also act as the overall leader of EXO when the twelve of them would promote together.

This was when they realised that the two groups would be spending a lot of time apart. After training so long together, they were going to be separated. Joonmyun felt a pang in his chest. If he had just been a better leader, maybe they all would have been able to stay together. His first major failure... the group was already being split up.

They had then been ushered straight back into practice where they met the two new members. They were nice enough and fitted in with the rest of them well. Chanyeol especially seemed glued to Baekhyun's side, and if it was even possible the boy was happier.

Joonmyun just felt guilty though. They should not have been put in this situation. They should not have to be split up. They were one. They were EXO. Not two separate factions.

That night, he had cut again and hard. It taken a good hour or so to stop the blood, and for the first time ever Joonmyun had ended up light-headed and woozy. After he had cleaned up the mess and redressed himself he had collapsed on his bed, head spinning and fighting the urge to vomit before he passed out.

That was the worst he had ever cut himself.

He was an even weaker person than he had originally thought. How on earth were EXO going to be successful with him as their leader?

The longer their debut was postponed, the higher the pressure on him climbed. The others were looking to him for guidance and answers, and all he could give them was a calm smile and what vague answers he could give them.

They were all suffering now. They just wanted to be able to finally debut. But the company just kept forcing them to practice saying that they would be debuting 'soon'. Even when Joonmyun had spoken to their new managers personally, risking punishment by using informal language, the only answer he had gotten was 'soon'.

It was just like he was a trainee again with no clear idea of when he would be put in a group. Only now he was in a group, and they were all waiting for the day when they would finally be able to debut.

They had all worked so hard in the recording studio. Churning out song after song. Not knowing which would be their debut single or which would even make it on the mini-album. They learned dance after dance to match the songs. They filmed endless teasers. Took endless photos. But still no date for their debut was given.

And the guilt and pressure within Joonmyun grew until it was almost unbearable.

He had been fully prepared to walk into Lee Sooman's office himself and beg on his hands and knees for them to finally have a debut date when it happened. They had a date. They had a debut song.

The plan was to release the teasers gradually over a stretch of time. They would release 'What is Love' and 'History' as prequel songs, complete with the videos they had filmed for them. Then once everything was released they would hold two showcases, one in Korea and one in China. There they would announce their debut song... MAMA.

They were finally going to debut.

That night the blades stayed in his bathroom cupboard.

He was worried and tense about the debut, yes. But he was more relieved that it was actually happening now. Seeing the smiles and the relief on the rest of the members' faces was enough to ease the pressure from him for that night.

As the debut date drew closer, their images were finally tackled. Hair was dyed. Make up was applied. Their clothing style was decided on. Their image was set.

This was it.

All that was left was to do the showcases and then they would debut.

Joonmyun had hoped that once they had debuted he wouldn't feel the pressure as much. That he would be able to breathe again. That he would be able to gather his strength and actually merge Suho and Joonmyun into one being, him.

But he was wrong.

He was very, very wrong.

The pressure didn't ease off.

It only got worse.

Only now he was sharing a dorm with the rest of EXO-K. Sharing a dorm with his friends. Sharing a dorm with Kyungsoo. And sharing a room with Sehun.

Their debut date came and went and they were a hit. Fans loved them. They were selling loads of albums.

Their promotions were hard though, and many of the members kept getting sick. And not having the others with them was affecting them all. They didn't feel whole. Half of them were missing.

And they were all turning to Joonmyun for help and support. They had all cried on his shoulder. They had all needed to be wrapped in his embrace. They had all needed a kiss on the forehead. They had all needed his help and he had given it gladly. But he needed help too... and Kyungsoo was under too much stress for Joonmyun to burden him with more. He knew that the younger vocalist would help him if he asked but he couldn't. The boy had enough on his plate already, and the last thing he needed was Joonmyun to load him with his weakness and faults.

The bathroom became his haven.

He had hidden his blades in a secret pocket of his wash-bag. No-one would find them.

Each day that he needed the release that the blades brought to him, he would wait until the other members were in bed and asleep before locking himself in the bathroom. He always insisted on the last shower, that way he would always have the bathroom to himself after the others were distracted by dreams. There he would calmly hold the blade in his hand and run it across the skin of his legs. He would relish in the relief, as always, before calmly patching himself up, hiding all the evidence before leaving the bathroom and going to sleep himself.

It had become a routine. Every time they had a hard day. Every time one of them was ill. Every time one of them made a mistake. Every time they received a harsh comment. Every time someone hated them. Every time the longing for the other members became too great he found himself in the bathroom, blade in hand.

And no-one knew. He had never told anyone of this habit. Not even his favourite hyungs, Jonghyun and Kyuhyun. Not even his parents. No-one. What he did to himself was his biggest weakness, and no-one was allowed to know just how weak he was.

But the fans noticed. Not the fact that he cut himself to relieve pressure and stress. But they noticed the fact that he was weak. That he wasn't cut out to be a leader. That he was merely average.

They had noticed.

The fan-sites and boards were enough proof of that. They had noticed. They were questioning why he was even in the group, let alone the leader. Of course he had his own fans who defended him and supported him. But they weren't enough to stop the hurtful comments from stabbing him in the heart.

He knew it was going to be tough.

He knew it was going to be hard.

But a part of him stupidly thought that debuting would bring him some relief.

But it didn't.

He only found himself in a much harsher and savage situation.

Now complete strangers, the fans, were involved.

He wasn't just letting himself and the members down now... he was letting the fans down too.

He couldn't handle that sort of pressure.

He was too weak.

Suho... Guardian... He had already failed.

Once again he found himself in that bathroom every night, once the members were fast asleep... Sehun curled up under his blankets would be dead asleep by the time Joonmyun returned to the room. It was the only thing he could do to help himself. Which he knew he wasn't really doing. How is cutting your own skin open, helping yourself? But he couldn't stop. He had nothing else to help him.

He was too weak to stop.

He was struggling. He wasn't coping. And he didn't know what to do. He was stuck in this endless cycle now with no way out.

Slicing the blade across his skin, relieved him from his tension and pain for a while. It did. Which was why he kept going back. Why he kept finding himself in this bathroom. With this blade in his hand.

Looking down at the blade you wouldn't think there was anything special about it. And there wasn't. But it was the one thing that helped him like no other.

As he swiped it across the skin on his upper thigh, over the top of old scars, he bit his lip, sighing in relief as all tension left his body. He sliced again, watching the blood slowly trickle for a few moments before resting his head back against the wall behind him. He would only do the two today. He didn't need any more.

He relished in the feeling of being free, before reaching out with his hand and tugging the first aid kit towards himself. He quickly set to work on patching himself up, washing away all traces of blood from the blade and floor. Hiding everything back where no one would find them before he sighed and unlocked the bathroom door.

He still wasn't able to cry.

He could slice his skin open every day but he couldn't bring himself to cry. That was one point of weakness he would never ever show. He couldn't do it. He couldn't bring himself to cry. For if he cried then he would lose everything he had worked so hard to maintain.

He couldn't cry.

Even when he stumbled slightly on the way to his shared room with the maknae and his wounds pulled slightly. It hurt, yes... but no tears came to his eyes. He couldn't cry. He wasn't able to.

Finally reaching the room, he opened the door and silently walked in, heading over to his bed. He froze when a sleepy voice called out.

"Hyung?"

Quickly hurrying over to the boy's bed he ran a hand through Sehun's hair as he lulled him back to sleep. "Ssh. Go back to sleep Sehun-ah. You need your rest and strength for tomorrow."

Strength... Yes, Sehun had to be strong tomorrow. They all did. For Joonmyun was weak and had no strength. So the others had to be strong.

"Okay, hyung. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Sehun-ah." He leant down and pressed a soft kiss to the boy's forehead before tucking him in and silently returning to his own bed. He wiggled himself under the blanket, curling up into a ball for a moment before stretching himself out fully.

Kyungsoo would be in to wake him in the morning, he couldn't let him see him curled up in a weak protective ball. No, Kyungsoo would find him stretched out. The appearance of strong.

Sighing, he looked up at the ceiling.

Maybe... maybe tomorrow would be different. Maybe tomorrow everything would be better. Maybe tomorrow there would no stress, no tension, no pressure, no pain... maybe tomorrow he wouldn't have to take the last shower...

Maybe tomorrow he wouldn't have to resort to the blades.

Maybe tomorrow he could finally smile, for real.

And with that hope, Joonmyun fell asleep.

The year was 2012. He had been cutting for three years. Maybe tomorrow he could finally stop for good...

The following night the blade was in his hand once again.


End file.
